It's a....

So I went back and forth for about 30 seconds on whether to post this...this blog is all about being unapologetic, right?  People are going to have their opinions no matter what I post or don't post.  I might as well keep it real.

If you recall from this post, we opted to go with the non-invasive prenatal testing to scan for genetic defects.  One of the added bonuses is that you can find out the gender when you get your results.  We knew we were going to find out gender - it was never a question with us - so finding out earlier than the 20 week anatomy scan was a plus.



So I make like the victim of a vampire and get all of my blood removed from my body (this is what it felt like after doing the NIPT and the routine bloodwork all in the same day) and we wait impatiently for our results.  My husband told me the day of our testing that he wanted us to find out the gender together so of course I knew that I was going to get the call while one of us was busy doing something.  That's the way it always works, right?  Well, I was right.  I got a call from the nurse when I was on my way home one day and the husband was out on the golf course.  Since I wasn't sure if I could get him on the phone right away, I let the call go to voicemail, planning to get hub on the phone and then call them back.  When I got the voicemail notification, I immediately got nervous.  All of those thoughts from a few weeks back came flooding into my thoughts - What if they found an abnormality?  What would we do?  What if it's trisomy 18, which has an extremely low rate of survival?  What would I tell my husband?  How would we tell our family? So, with a deep breath, I pressed play on the voicemail and was able to exhale about 30 seconds later when the nurse, very graciously, told me via message that all of the markers for chromosomal abnormalities came back negative.  Right after I let that breath out, I took another deep one, because she said that she had the gender results and to call back if we wanted to find out.

So we know that we're having a healthy baby, as far as chromosomal abnormalities go....does it matter whether it's a boy or a girl?  To this point, I had been referring to this baby as a boy. I instructed everyone else to do the same.  It didn't matter whether we had a great girl's name, he was a boy so it wouldn't matter.  I had dreams about this baby being a boy.  But I was still nervous.  I interrupted hub's round of golf and conferenced in the nurse who held the secret envelope.

"Ok mom and dad...are you sure you want to know?"  Yes...I think...Yes, we're sure... "Alright baby's chromosomes reflect that you're having a little girl!"

At this point in our story, I said thank you and hung up.  Husband had to run because I had kept him on the phone for 15 minutes and he WAS in the middle of a round of golf, after all.  Next, I broke down in sobs.  Straight up ugly crying.  These weren't happy tears...they were devastated tears.  I felt both unconsolably sad and awful for being upset that this healthy baby wasn't a boy.  I had tried to will this baby to be a boy.  I had his first birthday party planned, I had envisioned a future of basketball games and Michigan tailgates with his dad.  Every Pinterest board I created was full of ideas for a boy...the room, the clothes...all of it.  I felt like I had lost that in an instant.  I was mourning what I dreamed of that I wouldn't get anymore.  I felt even worse that I was alone going through this.  I couldn't talk to my husband at what felt like one of the hardest moments I've experienced so far.

I'd read a little bit about gender disappointment when we knew we were going to find out the baby's gender as soon as we could.  I know that it's something that expecting parents can experience, I just never realized that it would be on such a huge level.  It's an overwhelming feeling.  Should a parent feel terrible for "wanting" a boy over a girl, or vice-versa?  I think that it's normal to envision your future and your children in a certain way.  We grow up day dreaming about what our lives will be like when we're older.  Who says we can't day dream about our future child when we find out we're pregnant?  And then who says that we can't be upset if that dream is drastically changed?  We live in a society where everyone is judged for everything they think, say, or do.  What could be an insignificant detail to someone, could be the world to someone else.

I am so unbelievably happy that this baby is healthy and I thank the stars that I've had a smooth pregnancy so far.  I'm not going to lie, though, it took a couple of weeks to come to terms with the fact that this baby wasn't fitting in the specific future I had pictured.  Even up to the 20 week anatomy scan, I thought that there was still a chance that there just wasn't enough male DNA in my blood to accurately determine the gender at the time of the original testing.  I'm so lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband who helped me realize that we will love this baby unconditionally no matter what the gender.  Together we made new Pinterest boards and started to envision our new future with baby girl.  It includes big bows, jordan's, baby uggs, golf with dad, shopping with mom, Michigan tailgates, and lots of love.

It was important for me to share this story because I know that there are other parents-to-be out there who may go through this, but are scared to voice their feelings because of what someone else may think.  There's always someone else out there who is going through, or has gone through, the same thing.  Don't be afraid to feel what you're feeling, but definitely find support when you need it - whether it be with your spouse, with your friends, or with a stranger online.  Pregnancy is hard enough, let's be able to lean on each other and actively work to help each other through the downs and celebrate the ups.

xoxo