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Month One

You know what's fun about trying to track your fertility?  Nothing.  Nothing is fun.  You get to go into an app every day and tell it how you're feeling.  It wants to know how much water and caffeine you've drank, did you have sex, are you on your period, do you have any aches/pains/bloating/nausea/heartburn/fatigue/blah blah blah.  It wants to know whether you took an ovulation test, what your basal temperature is, what your cervical mucus is like.  It wants to know what your mood is.  I don't know why people go to doctors or therapists when they can just download a fertility app.  Do you know what the difference between cramps and pelvic pain is?  Listen app, it just feels like someone stabbed me in the uterus with a dull knife and now it's just chilling there.  Where's that option??


So you diligently enter your data into this app (multiple apps if you're obsessed with data) and every month it gets smarter.  It predicts when you'll start and end your period and when you'll be ovulating, the magical bodily function that means you may have a 20% chance to get knocked up as long as everything falls into perfect harmony and the skies part to reveal a double rainbow with unicorns dancing on it.  At least that's how all of these message boards make it seem.

I mean, I went to school.  Albeit, I went to Catholic school, but they still taught us about our bodies.  I learned in grade school about the menstrual cycle and was thoroughly embarrassed when they handed out goodie bags with feminine product.  Then in high school we had to go through the obligatory week of human sexuality where we found out how babies are made and were told that abstinence is best.  When you're young all you hear about is how important it is to use protection because if you don't you're going to for sure end up pregnant at prom.  Then, when you get older, all you hear about is how hard it is to actually get pregnant.  Which is it, people!?!  Am I going to get knocked up from kissing my boyfriend or is it going to take a year for me and my husband to actually conceive?
http://www.dirtyandthirty.com/dirt-of-the-day/10-best-mean-girls-quotes/

In spite of every discouraging post I read, I still wanted to go forward with this thing.  My app told me when my fertile window was supposed to be so I did what any Type A personality would and created a baby-making schedule.  This is business, people.  Six days does not seem like a lot of time in the scope of the month, but it seems like forever when you're trying to, as my app called it, do the "baby dance".  I mean, wtf...I want to go back to believing that you could get pregnant any day of the month so I can spread this shit out a bit.  This being our first month, I made sure to document every day in my apps.  You know how my app repaid me?  Oh, by telling me that based on my data they were going to recalculate my fertile window.  That's great, right?  I have a extra day or two?  NO!  They took a day away from me.  What kind of shit is that?  Well I said screw you app, my other app is telling me I'm still on track.  Now me and that app are besties and I'm on the outs with the original app.  Friendship is a fickle thing.

Six days doesn't seem like a lot of time.  Then it seems to go on forever.  Then it's over and you wondered if it was really enough.  You know what happens next?  Nothing.  You have to wait for 2 weeks while nothing happens.  Two weeks analyzing every weird symptom your body makes, wondering if it's a sign that you might be pregnant or if it's just indigestion.  Two weeks waiting to see if you're going to start your period.  It's a weird time.  You don't want to drink because what if you are pregnant and then everyone does the math and they silently judge you for getting shit faced when you were 1 week with child.  But when you don't drink everyone automatically assumes your pregnant so you just have to pretend you're super hungover already, or just like drink half a beer so people get off your back.  I really make it sound like I'm both an alcoholic and surrounded by a bunch of drunks, don't I?  I promise I actually don't drink that much, I just come from a family that likes to have a good time with booze and also married into one as well.  

So here I am.  Waiting.  I've googled several times how early you can take a pregnancy test and which ones are best.  I'm actually more scared to take a pregnancy test than to actually try to have a baby.  In my 31 years I have successfully avoided ever taking one.  It's the waiting and the unknown that terrifies me.  I have essentially given up control at this point.  I know from reading every source possible on the internet that many couples don't get pregnant on the first try, or even within the first couple of months.  Knowing that doesn't really diminish the hope you feel this first time.  If the first time doesn't stick, does it get easier or harder each month?  I don't do well with uncertainty.  As Carrie Underwood would say, Jesus, take the wheel!

2 comments

  1. A-freakin-men, sister!!!! My husband and I have been trying for a little over a year now. Just a month ago I found out that I have PCOS. So not only was it already a small fertility window, but my body was probably not even releasing viable eggs to fertilize. It's amazing that people can even get pregnant on ACCIDENT! I'm right there with you girl, praying that it get easier for you and not harder. And patience. Because there's never enough patience when trying to conceive.

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    1. Praying for you, doll! I never even thought about how much actually goes into getting pregnant. You grow up thinking, you have sex and then you have a baby...that's it! There needs to be more discussion around fertility and truthful conversations around conception. Everyone's experience is different, but we can all lean on each other. Praying for you and your future family <3

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